Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Loose Ends

Long time no post but today is a perfect day for it. When it comes to personal relationships and communication. I hate loose ends. I hate not knowing. I hate unfinished business. I would rather someone tell me that they hate my guts and never want to see me again then to cut me off without a word. In the former, at least I know where we stand. The latter makes my brain work overtime trying to figure out what is going on and exactly what is happening. HATE IT!

I was involved romantically with a person that just left me hanging recently and it is killing me. He had a pattern of doing to this me. The pattern went like this. Woo, Emotional Distance, Argue, Seperate, Apologize, Repeat. Usually between the seperate and apologize would be a concerned call from me going "what's up with you?" He would often try to rationalize his behavior before realizing that I'm a good guy and he jumped to some awful conclusion about me so he needed to apologize and woo me again.

This pattern was recently broken by me when I realized that I was the chain between Seperate and Apologize. During the Seperate phase I would constantly make excuses why he was acting so irrational. Knowing that he had some bad dating history I would be the peace maker and reach out to see what was going on with him. During the course of our conversation he would realize...well, we already covered this.

Recently, it happened again. I think we were on cycle number 3 or 4. We were between Emotional Distance and Argue. Noticing this pattern, I decided to call it out. First, I asked verbally if everything was all right. He was starting to pull away. He assured me that everything was fine. But the distance still grew. He stopped calling and texting even when he said he would. I sent the guy a text with the following message: "What's up? Do u not want to hang with me anymore? If so, just let me know. No hard feelings just please don't leave me hanging." He replied "what's with the dramatics?" I replied back that were no dramatics. I was just being direct. He didn't reply. That was over two weeks ago.

Last night, I had a dream about him. I woke thinking of him.

I won't lie. I still like him but I can't continue this pattern of making him think it is okay to blow me off until I make things right. Especially when you consider that the impetus of it all was his lack of attention towards me. That my crime in the matter was reaching out to ask the simple question, "what's up?"

It is taking every fiber in body not to call, email, or text him today. I really want to know that he is safe. But why should I be so concerned with someone that doesn't have the balls to pick the phone to check on me? Where is the concern for my feelings? Where is the simple courtesy of just saying "You drive me crazy! I don't want to speak to you again."?