The sun is shiny and it is Friday but I am so unmotivated today. I think I might have herbalized a little too much last night. I was on the phone with my best friend Dan G. for 2 full hours last night. Dan G. (or Patchy Scarback as I like to call him) lives in Brooklyn and I am contemplating a move to NYC in the fall. He and I had a very long, frank, and dificult conversation about growing older and fear.

In my 20s, I really wasn't afraid of much. I had no fear of failure. My biggest fear was growing old alone. I remember telling more than one person that I was always afraid that I would be hugely successful and I would have no one to share it with. Now that fear of failure has changed me. I think this fear developed when I was castin the London production of Showboat. I remember thinking that Susan Stroman was going to fire me in rehearsal because my dancing was subpar. I was terrified. I didn't get fired but I did get some shit from some of the older black ensemble members. It was rough because it was the black gay men that were tearing me down. I was always brought up to help your own but that was not what I experienced and it changed me profoundly. It was the first time in my life that not only could I fail but there would be a group of people waiting to celebrate my fall.


Ectasy Last night I watched Primetime Thursday on ABC. Today, all I can think about it is how to score some good X. I want it! I want it! I want it! Here is something enlightening from last night's program: Are you aware that the US government lies to us? Are you aware that the main reason that Ectasy is illegal in the states is because it makes people feel good and some people when they feel good like to party and you can not party and feel good at the same time.

Trump-tastic I can't get enough of The Apprentice. When the show first hit the airwaves, I was in Europe so I missed like the first 3-4 weeks. Thanks to some programming wizard at NBC, I did catch up. I just love the concept of the show. Anyone that has ever been to a job interview can relate on some level to the contestants. However, like good reality TV, this job interview is cranked up over the top. I think Troy made a terrible mistake in going up against Kwame last night but I don't think he would have beat Bill. I would have liked to see the two (Bill and Troy) in the boardroom though. Bill is smart but so is Troy in a more non-traditional manner. I think if you checked in with Bill, Kwame, and Troy 10 years from now, Troy is going to be the wealthiest. He has good instincts and a lot of passion.