Friday, November 12, 2004

Which Fire burns brighter?

My birthday was on Monday. I really didn't give much thought to the birthday until the actual day. There were no big plans and that suited me fine. I woke up Monday feeling cranky and sore (mentally and physically). I had to teach an improv class that afternoon at a south side high school. I felt edgy and I was hoping that I wasn't getting on my teaching partner's nerve. my patience was at a minimum. I came out to my high school age boys because I was tired of hearing them volley the word "gay" like it was beach volleyball. I really laid into them. I told them that there are plenty worse things in life than being gay, like being ignorant, impoverished, at war, oppressed. I had very little patience.

I awoke the next day with a fever, diarrhea, head and body aches. I had the flu. I was depressed, ill, and 36. I usually think that I am so cool but I was literally not cool for the three days in a row. So I did what I know best--I threw a party...a pity party. It was mostly dillusional from the fever but I felt like I as low as "Sophia in jail." I sent Thad 7 or 8 text messages and left at least three voicemails. This is not like me but I was so needy. I am used to being the nurturer but here I was ill and I had to take care of myself plus my roomates two chihuahaus.

Well I feel better now. I worry though about damage that I may have down with Thad. I like him a lot and I don't want to chase him away. He's good stuff and I hope he is a part of my life for a long time. I can't worry too much about it but if I didn't, I wouldn't be my normal neurotic self.

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