After two weeks of self-imposed agony, I have finally have some peace concerning Paul S. It was two weeks ago today that I awoke feeling alive, in love, and scared to death. After longing to be closer to Paul S for so long, he was waking up in my arms. Now mind you, nothing overtly sexual took place. Everything was sweet and nice but it was probably the most intimate moment of my life. I was blown away by his body next to my body. I had been in love with Paul S for some time and thought this day would never come. The day that he lowered his guard and allowed me to see the "naked" Paul.

As excited as I was with our exchange, Paul S couldn't have been more blase about the situation. I don't know what I was expecting from him but in my usual Pip fashion, I had to discuss this situation with him but I was afraid. I had every reason to be. I attempted to tell Paul how I felt about the situation and how being with him freaked me out a bit because I didn't want to have such a casual relationship with him. I didn't want to lie down beside him without the benefit of a full relationship. I'm an actor but I can't have a "pretend" relationship with him. I don't want to have something so cool and casual, not with Paul S. Paul S did what he has been doing since I've known him. He pushed me away.

For days, I stressed. I wished I hadn't ever said anything. I thought this going to ruin our relationship (take a look at the entries from 3/22 and 3/23). I don't normally share my intimate feelings with anyone but I had to talk to someone. First I spoke to my good friend Danny. Danny is a good guy. He and I dated briefly before we decided that we hate each other. After nearly a year of crossing the street to avoid each other, we were reunited because of the AIDS related illness and death of his friend Dennis. Danny is the best because he never tells you what to do or what to think. He only shares his opinion as his opinion. He told me that no matter what I tell Paul S, I should be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear. That scared the crap out of me but it was good advice. I thought twice before I blurted out at dinner the other night, "Paul, I love you. I know you are ill right now but I have never met a man that like you. I want to be with you always. Say yes to me."

I didn't say a word to Paul about my feelings. I did once and I felt like our relationship took a step backwards. Think about that statement for a minute. Here I am figuratively bleeding to death on the inside but I didn't want to say anything. That is no relationship.

So, I took my case to a higher power, my best friend Dan G. I rarely talk to Dan about men. He is usually so sour on the subject that a conversation with him is pointless. He will often disregard and even disapprove of my desires toward men. Sometimes I think he expects me to live the life of a monk. I had no one else to go to on this matter, I had to speak to Dan. Dan heard me and actually helped me. He just pointed out that my desire for that moment two weeks ago was so strong that when it was actualized, I was freaked out. He said it probably didn't have anything to do with Paul S. All I want in my life is to connect with someone that I love. I want to wake up with that person in my arms. I want to caress them in the middle of the night. Paul S allowed me to have that.

There is still something missing. Something I had never thought was all that important. The person that I want to connect with, to wake up to, to caress, to love; shouldn't that person love me too?