My heart is beating normally again. I have spent the last 14 days driving myself crazy. It was 3 weeks ago that I had my last performance as a member of TourCo. The first week was a piece of cake. I took off that following Tuesday to recuperate from the celebrations the night before. The rest of the week I spent temping and auditioning. Good times. The next week I was so busy that it hurt. I auditioned, did temp work, went on a date, picked up new headshots, helped a sick friend, went into the mainstage at Second City, drank, and smoked till I couldn't do no more.

All these things make for a life of theatrical excess but no drama will surpass what happened on the Tuesday (3/9/04)of that week. That morning began with me working on a ridiculous temp assignment. I don't want to get into it but suffice to say it was mind-numbing boring. I had a meeting that afternoon at Second City to discuss the class I would be teaching through the training center. Prior to that meeting, it was confirmed to me that I would definitely be filling in on the mainstage show that night. I took the rest of the afternoon off to prepare.

The show was less than spectacular. I made many mistakes and let my nerves get the best of me but I made it through. When the show was over, I got a call from my friend Paul S. Paul S. has been sick for over a year now. He has major sinusitis and will require surgery to find some kind of relief. Paul S. has really suffered a lot over the last year. His life is gone. His friends are gone. His job is gone. His sanity is quickly leaving.

Now for some quick backstory. Paul S and I used to work together at a furniture store. I started a few months before Paul S as a part timer. I worked there when things were slow at Second City. Paul S. has to be the most fascinating person I have ever met. In some ways, we have completely parallel lives. In some ways, we are like aliens from different planets.

We are the same age. Paul S is 28 days older than I. We both come from large underprivileged family where we stuck out as being different (smart and creative). We both left home to pursue not only college but advanced degrees in our fields. We both were recognized in college for having great aptitude in our fields (me- theatre, Paul S - music). We both were climbing and climbing and every rung got higher and higher until we both took a bad tumble just prior to turning 30. For Paul S., he couldn't continue to pursue his doctorate. For me, I couldn't continue doing Broadway level musical theatre. We both retreated to our families and did our best to stave off full blown dementia. We got ourselves together, we each ended up in Chicago. He with his brother and I just moved back here after a year's hiatus. Eventually we both ended up at the furniture store.

Now, two cars can travel side by side on the same road, and even be manufactured with similar parts, but that does not make them the same car. Paul S is white and I am black. Paul S loves classical music and I love R & B/Soul female artists. I love pop culture. Paul S doesn't even know who Ashton Kutcher is. He is a neat freak and I am a clutterer. I have been a gay slut. Paul S could probably give a complete and accurate list of everyone he has ever slept with.

Why am I writing this? Because I fell in love with Paul S a couple of years ago and it is driving me crazy. And on that fateful Tuesday night, after I did what was a mediocre job filling in on the mainstage, Paul S asked me to spend the night with him. There was no intercourse of any kind. There wasn't even kissing involved but by far this was the most intimate night I have ever spent with another human being. The touch of skin. The labored breath. The body's sweat. Well, I freaked out the next few days. I was so confused.

As I said, I have been in love with Paul S for some time now but he has always rejected my romantic advances and then he became Ill and I chose to pursue a friendship with him anyway. His friendship and company have become invaluable and because he rebuffed me I was free to sleep with any guy I wanted. This should be great. I get the company of the man I love and the body of a man I desire. It didn't work out so smoothly. I have tried and tried to move past my romantic feelings for Paul but the longer I know him the stronger they become.

The good news is that I did finally get the balls to tell Paul S that that night freaked me out. The bad news is that my confession confused Paul. We have slowly become more intimate and I don't think he saw that Tuesday night as any big deal but it obviously caused something weird to happen to me, so he pulled away a bit.

I want to fix this situation and I will. I am going to have dinner with Paul tonight and I'm going to tell him how I really feel. The whole story and what I want from him, even if he can't give it to me. I owe myself that. I owe our friendship that. Why can't life be easy as tying your shoe?