Idol I thought that last night's American Idol was the most boring show to date. I just didn't care. I wasn't really moved by any of the singers except George Huff and Fantasia. Even my top pick LaToya was only okay.
I loved that the Funk Brothers were the house band. I saw Standing in the Shadows of Motown at the theatre so I'm familiar with their work and their story. However, I thought the band was too loud. THe band upstaged the singers everytime. And can we agree to JUST SAY NO to celebrity judges. I love Ashford and Simpson. I knew who they were before they were "Solid as a rock." But last night, the two were nothing but dead weight. The celebrity judges don't really add anything to the show. People who watch Idol would watch it without the 20 second critique from some former pop/r&b diva. Besides, it wastes time. Lets hear the singing , hear from Simon, and kick off the dead weight.
Now about the performances. I can't ever say enough good things about Diana Degarmo. The young lady has such a voice. Simply incredible. I can't wait to hear 3-5 years from now when she has more life experience to bring to her performance. LaToya is my girl. And as long as her voice holds out in this competition, she could definately be the winner but people said the same thing about Tamayra Gray, first season and she ended up in third.
Jennifer Hudson is great. I love her. But she is missing something and I know what it is. She is not connecting with her audience at all. She seems so reserved and like she holding back. She relys on all her vocal tricks but all she really needs to do is smile at the audience and make the audience feel that she is there just for their pleasure. Sometimes, she looks like she is not sure if she wants to be there.
Camille Velasco. Love that voice but after all this time, she has got to start performing like she is the shit. Because she is. If you don't believe it, no one else will.
George Huff is the only guy worth a damn in the competition. The other two guys left are just not interesting enough.
Amy Adams did a fine job last night. I'm just on the fence with her as a personality. I'm not sure I care about her. I could take her or leave her.
Fantasia Barrino is too much for words. I love her. She has personality for days and a unique voice. It reminds of going church.
Jasmine Trias is great but I have a feeling that she is just going to be a reporter on Access Hollywood in 5 years.
My prediction for getting the boot tonight:
Camille Velasco or John Stevens
Big Ad Agency Life continues at the Big Ad Agency. I thought today would be my last day but this spur of the moment, one day deal has stretched into two full weeks. I can't complain because I need the money. Boy, do I need the money.
Yesterday reminded me how badly I need money. When I was in college, I made a vow that I would never walk around with out at least $1 dollar cash in my pocket. Yesterday, I found myself with $.50. This struggling actor stuff is bullshit.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Nerves I just came from an audition down on Navy Pier. It is for a musical spoof of Romeo and Juliet. I was so nervous that my left leg would not stop shaking. I survived. I was even given a side to read from. The director, Ron West, gave me several ways to perform the scene and I must have read 4 or 5 times. It was fun. It was such a strange audition because I knew everyone in the room except the accompanist. There were two producers from Second City, the director (a Second City alum and director), and the casting agent for Chicago Shakespeare, Bob Mason, who used to be an actor. All in all, I give this audition experience a B-.
I used to love auditioning. I guess I'm just rusty. I haven't been very busy on the circuit since I started touring for SC. I do want the job. It would mean employment as an actor for the entire summer. It would also mean a chance to work on Navy Pier in the summer. It would also be a great opportunity to work with a good director on a fairly new project.
I used to love auditioning. I guess I'm just rusty. I haven't been very busy on the circuit since I started touring for SC. I do want the job. It would mean employment as an actor for the entire summer. It would also mean a chance to work on Navy Pier in the summer. It would also be a great opportunity to work with a good director on a fairly new project.
Another day, Another $.63 The marathon work schedule is nearly at an end. I really should not complain about the work. The work is easy and the money is embarassingly low. Of course I am not in a position to complain. I need the work and the money. So, here I am one more day at the Big Ad Agency. At lunch today I have an audition for a musical. I hope I get it. The project seems fun and it would be a steady acting job through the whole summer. Big thanks to Chad Krueger for helping me rehearse my number. I won't forget it and I will give you a special gift to show my appreciation. Thanks Chad.
Poverty I have been poor nearly my entire life. There was a brief period in my late 20s when I had some money. I loved that. At 35, I thougt I would be more secure financially. I am worse off now than I was in my 20s. I am living week to week; check to check; and hand to mouth. It is a little frightening. There is no savings. There is no back up. There is no real security.
I would like to say that I don't care. Those things don't matter to me but they do. I am by myself in this world. I am all I have to depend on. My father is dead and he didn't leave behind anything. Of course he never gave my mother or I anything when he was alive. My mother onced promised me money but she never delivered. In my adult life, I have had to send myself to school (undergrad and grad); support my acting career; my writing career (which just started); and care for myself (a bigger project than I ever imagined).
I don't like the way this entry is going. It feels like whining and complaining. I want to be uplifted today. The negative already gets enough attention. Let's focus on some positives.
1. American Idol airs tonight
2. I am a working actor
3. I have some great clothes
4. Life truly is funny and little things really make me laugh
5. I have never been fired
6. I have a roof over my head
7. I am getting paid right now to write this stupid list
8. I look fucking 10 years younger than most guys my age
9. I still have the power and faith to believe that life can be wonderful
10 I don't have to wear a suit to work
Poverty I have been poor nearly my entire life. There was a brief period in my late 20s when I had some money. I loved that. At 35, I thougt I would be more secure financially. I am worse off now than I was in my 20s. I am living week to week; check to check; and hand to mouth. It is a little frightening. There is no savings. There is no back up. There is no real security.
I would like to say that I don't care. Those things don't matter to me but they do. I am by myself in this world. I am all I have to depend on. My father is dead and he didn't leave behind anything. Of course he never gave my mother or I anything when he was alive. My mother onced promised me money but she never delivered. In my adult life, I have had to send myself to school (undergrad and grad); support my acting career; my writing career (which just started); and care for myself (a bigger project than I ever imagined).
I don't like the way this entry is going. It feels like whining and complaining. I want to be uplifted today. The negative already gets enough attention. Let's focus on some positives.
1. American Idol airs tonight
2. I am a working actor
3. I have some great clothes
4. Life truly is funny and little things really make me laugh
5. I have never been fired
6. I have a roof over my head
7. I am getting paid right now to write this stupid list
8. I look fucking 10 years younger than most guys my age
9. I still have the power and faith to believe that life can be wonderful
10 I don't have to wear a suit to work
Monday, March 29, 2004
There is a certain satisfaction in achievement. Success is relative. Some need to always come in first. Some need to be recognized for their accomplishment. And some find joy in the journey itself.
There is a biblical verse I remember from my childhood. It says that "the race is not given to the swift, nor to the strong, but to the one that endureth to the end."
This past 8 days have been incredible and the race is far from over. Last Monday morn I was awakened by my phone. It was my temp agency asking if I was available to do an assignment that day. It was 9:15 am. I preteneded that I was up writing and told Heather, my agent, that I would be there by 10 am. At 10 am on the dot I walked into the big ad agency. I ended up working at the big ad agency all week long from 8:45 am to 5:15 pm. I know, so what? Most people work everyday. But most people don't also have to prepare to go on the mainstage at over The Second City over the weekend.
The weekend went something like this. I worked on Michigan Ave at the Big Ad Agency until 5:15 pm. I took the 151 bus to North Avenue. I walked from Inner Lake Shore Drive to The Second City (SC). I had a turkey burger with Joyce Sloane, Producer Emeritus of the SC and a surragote grandmother to me. I performed two shows, one at 8 pm and the other at 11 pm. Because I am an understudy, I received notes between shows on how I could improve my performance. After the second show, I hosted a showcase performance at 1 am. I went home and tried to get some sleep which finally came around 4:30 am. I was up again at 8:30 am because I had to teach at 10 am at The SC training center. I taught. I went home and napped. I got up and went back to the SC and did two shows on Saturday night (8 and 11 pm). These shows were followed by an improvised set.
Dan, one of the cast members, smoked me up a bit after the show. I went home and took a prescription "nerve pill" (see March 25). After a long hot bath, I watched SNL, which I taped. Then I slept until 2 pm Sunday.
Sunday was tough. I was sore. I was tired but I dragged my black ass out and to the store to get ingredients for mac and cheese. I made the mac and cheese (delicious!) and then I headed to SC in order to Sunday's 8 pm performance. After the show, there was the improv set. After all that, I hung out with the SC staff a bit (almost all of them are aspiring actors/improvisers/writers/directors/whatever). They are a cool group of individuals but I am the worse because I can never remember people's names so most times I never use anyone's name at all. I hung out for about an hour and then due to budgetary reasons, I cut out and went home.
Well, here it is, Monday morning, I am back at the Big Ad Agency but I have a different assignment this week. I am some sort of assistant. I don't know, I don't care. As long as my check doesn't bounce.
When I leave the Big Ad Agency this afternoon, I will head back to the SC to rehearse my song for my audition tomorrow during my lunch. Busy, busy, busy, busy.............
There is a biblical verse I remember from my childhood. It says that "the race is not given to the swift, nor to the strong, but to the one that endureth to the end."
This past 8 days have been incredible and the race is far from over. Last Monday morn I was awakened by my phone. It was my temp agency asking if I was available to do an assignment that day. It was 9:15 am. I preteneded that I was up writing and told Heather, my agent, that I would be there by 10 am. At 10 am on the dot I walked into the big ad agency. I ended up working at the big ad agency all week long from 8:45 am to 5:15 pm. I know, so what? Most people work everyday. But most people don't also have to prepare to go on the mainstage at over The Second City over the weekend.
The weekend went something like this. I worked on Michigan Ave at the Big Ad Agency until 5:15 pm. I took the 151 bus to North Avenue. I walked from Inner Lake Shore Drive to The Second City (SC). I had a turkey burger with Joyce Sloane, Producer Emeritus of the SC and a surragote grandmother to me. I performed two shows, one at 8 pm and the other at 11 pm. Because I am an understudy, I received notes between shows on how I could improve my performance. After the second show, I hosted a showcase performance at 1 am. I went home and tried to get some sleep which finally came around 4:30 am. I was up again at 8:30 am because I had to teach at 10 am at The SC training center. I taught. I went home and napped. I got up and went back to the SC and did two shows on Saturday night (8 and 11 pm). These shows were followed by an improvised set.
Dan, one of the cast members, smoked me up a bit after the show. I went home and took a prescription "nerve pill" (see March 25). After a long hot bath, I watched SNL, which I taped. Then I slept until 2 pm Sunday.
Sunday was tough. I was sore. I was tired but I dragged my black ass out and to the store to get ingredients for mac and cheese. I made the mac and cheese (delicious!) and then I headed to SC in order to Sunday's 8 pm performance. After the show, there was the improv set. After all that, I hung out with the SC staff a bit (almost all of them are aspiring actors/improvisers/writers/directors/whatever). They are a cool group of individuals but I am the worse because I can never remember people's names so most times I never use anyone's name at all. I hung out for about an hour and then due to budgetary reasons, I cut out and went home.
Well, here it is, Monday morning, I am back at the Big Ad Agency but I have a different assignment this week. I am some sort of assistant. I don't know, I don't care. As long as my check doesn't bounce.
When I leave the Big Ad Agency this afternoon, I will head back to the SC to rehearse my song for my audition tomorrow during my lunch. Busy, busy, busy, busy.............
Friday, March 26, 2004
There are all kinds of fucked up things going on in the world. Congress is trying to back door Roe v. Wade; Gays are not safe; and teens can now legally carry guns. God Bless America.
Despite it all, I am still happy today. This morning I heard from my long lost buddy, Trent. I thought I had lost him forever and poof out of the blue he calls. Today is my last day at the big ad agency. I am going to miss it here. I like the people and there are so many cute men in advertising (who knew?). I aalos found out this morning that my friend Dave willbe in town the end of next month. His timing couldn't be better. The dates that he will be in town are the same dates that my ex-touring company will be in Hawaii without me. I would take a day hanging with day over Hawaii with co-workers anyday. Although I still want to go to Hawaii so badly.
Tonight I will be going on the mainstage at The Second City. I will perform two shows and then do a short showcase at 1 am. Then just a few short hours later I will be teaching an improv class on Saturday at 10 am. Saturday night, it will be back to the mainstage. I am not complaining. I am very excited. I didn't know I had this kind of stamina in me. I wonder what I will be like on Monday. You know, it's no wonder that Judy took pills.
Despite it all, I am still happy today. This morning I heard from my long lost buddy, Trent. I thought I had lost him forever and poof out of the blue he calls. Today is my last day at the big ad agency. I am going to miss it here. I like the people and there are so many cute men in advertising (who knew?). I aalos found out this morning that my friend Dave willbe in town the end of next month. His timing couldn't be better. The dates that he will be in town are the same dates that my ex-touring company will be in Hawaii without me. I would take a day hanging with day over Hawaii with co-workers anyday. Although I still want to go to Hawaii so badly.
Tonight I will be going on the mainstage at The Second City. I will perform two shows and then do a short showcase at 1 am. Then just a few short hours later I will be teaching an improv class on Saturday at 10 am. Saturday night, it will be back to the mainstage. I am not complaining. I am very excited. I didn't know I had this kind of stamina in me. I wonder what I will be like on Monday. You know, it's no wonder that Judy took pills.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Last night was the most relaxed I have felt in ages. I think my realization in yesterday's post combined with a new sense that some things are just out of your control helped me find an inner peace. A friend, who I will keep anonymous offered me a certain prescription drug to take the edge off my world. I reluctantly accepted. Things have been a little rough. I don't know where or when my next gig is coming and I feel unprepared for the rigors of auditioning again. Plus sometime soon I will have to move and I have no money. Things are scary.
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I.
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I.
Last night was the most relaxed I have felt in ages. I think my realization in yesterday's post combined with a new sense that some things are just out of your control helped me find an inner peace. A friend, who I will keep anonymous offered me a certain prescription drug to take the edge off my world. I reluctantly accepted. Things have been a little rough. I don't know where or when my next gig is coming and I feel unprepared for the rigors of auditioning again. Plus sometime soon I will have to move and I have no money. Things are scary.
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I.
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I.
Last night was the most relaxed I have felt in ages. I think my realization in yesterday's post combined with a new sense that some things are just out of my control helped me find an inner peace. A friend, who I will keep anonymous offered me a certain prescription drug to take the edge off my world. I reluctantly accepted. Things have been a little rough. I don't know where or when my next gig is coming and I feel unprepared for the rigors of auditioning again. Plus sometime soon I will have to move and I have no money. Things are scary.
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I
After watching Idol and receiving benzodiazepines, I headed to Paul S's place. His brother Jason smoked me up a little bit and I gave him some chocolates from Vosges. I saw some of the design projects that the boys are working on together. They are so talented it is almost ridiculous. I am amazed at the work that they turn out. After a while, Jason left for his girlfriend's place and Paul and I watched Amelie. I have seen this film at least 3 times but it still holds up to repeat viewing. It was a perfect way to spend the evening. And most importantly, their was no weirdness between Paul S and I
Toddlin Town. Yesterday, I decided to take the bus home instead of the train. This was not a new experience at all. In fact, this is the bus that sometimes home from my agents office. It is about 10-15 longer than the train but sometimes it is worth it. I took the 151 Sheridan bus home. I boarded across the street from the Wrigley Building where I have been temping for the big ad agency since Monday. The 151 cruised up the "Mag Mile". The driver honked furiously at slow tourists and inconsiderate drivers. I stared out the window at the sights. Everything seemed new again. The shops, the tourists, the salesclerks, the Hancock, and the Water Tower all seemed strangely exotic like the first time I tasted sweetened coconut milk in my Tom Kha Kai soup.
The bus continued past 900 North and into Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood. The homes on Inner Lake Shore Drive are so wonderful, so glamorous, and so expansive. These are the most expensive residential properties in the city and I would push my grandmother down a flight of steps to get a hold of one.The Gold Coast offers not only beautiful homes on the West but their is Lake Michigan on the East. When the 151 gets to North Ave, it turns and goes through Lincoln Park until it finally arrives on Sheridan Road. The ride is not as exciting or beautiful past this point but I already had a smile on my face after wht seemed to be the longest work day in hisory.
Idol. I won't lie. I LOVE American Idol and I think that year's contest is the best of the three. The talent is great and it is wonderful to watch them develop into savvy professionals right in front of your eyes. Last night's episode was such a shocker. What is wrong with you America that last week allowed Jennifer Hudson be in the bottom two? Or this week that would allow Diana DeGarmo to be in the final three? It is disgraceful. Diana and Jennifer deserve to be 2 of the 4 finalists at the end. And I think that Diana should be one of the top 2. And Matt Rogers, I'm sorry but he had to go. I was surprised that he was chosen over Camile to go out. I love Camile but she has got to conquer that fear. She is so good but she shoots herself in the foot with her nerves. My prediction for this season is the terrific LaToya London. Go LaToya, I am totally voting for you.
The bus continued past 900 North and into Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood. The homes on Inner Lake Shore Drive are so wonderful, so glamorous, and so expansive. These are the most expensive residential properties in the city and I would push my grandmother down a flight of steps to get a hold of one.The Gold Coast offers not only beautiful homes on the West but their is Lake Michigan on the East. When the 151 gets to North Ave, it turns and goes through Lincoln Park until it finally arrives on Sheridan Road. The ride is not as exciting or beautiful past this point but I already had a smile on my face after wht seemed to be the longest work day in hisory.
Idol. I won't lie. I LOVE American Idol and I think that year's contest is the best of the three. The talent is great and it is wonderful to watch them develop into savvy professionals right in front of your eyes. Last night's episode was such a shocker. What is wrong with you America that last week allowed Jennifer Hudson be in the bottom two? Or this week that would allow Diana DeGarmo to be in the final three? It is disgraceful. Diana and Jennifer deserve to be 2 of the 4 finalists at the end. And I think that Diana should be one of the top 2. And Matt Rogers, I'm sorry but he had to go. I was surprised that he was chosen over Camile to go out. I love Camile but she has got to conquer that fear. She is so good but she shoots herself in the foot with her nerves. My prediction for this season is the terrific LaToya London. Go LaToya, I am totally voting for you.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
After two weeks of self-imposed agony, I have finally have some peace concerning Paul S. It was two weeks ago today that I awoke feeling alive, in love, and scared to death. After longing to be closer to Paul S for so long, he was waking up in my arms. Now mind you, nothing overtly sexual took place. Everything was sweet and nice but it was probably the most intimate moment of my life. I was blown away by his body next to my body. I had been in love with Paul S for some time and thought this day would never come. The day that he lowered his guard and allowed me to see the "naked" Paul.
As excited as I was with our exchange, Paul S couldn't have been more blase about the situation. I don't know what I was expecting from him but in my usual Pip fashion, I had to discuss this situation with him but I was afraid. I had every reason to be. I attempted to tell Paul how I felt about the situation and how being with him freaked me out a bit because I didn't want to have such a casual relationship with him. I didn't want to lie down beside him without the benefit of a full relationship. I'm an actor but I can't have a "pretend" relationship with him. I don't want to have something so cool and casual, not with Paul S. Paul S did what he has been doing since I've known him. He pushed me away.
For days, I stressed. I wished I hadn't ever said anything. I thought this going to ruin our relationship (take a look at the entries from 3/22 and 3/23). I don't normally share my intimate feelings with anyone but I had to talk to someone. First I spoke to my good friend Danny. Danny is a good guy. He and I dated briefly before we decided that we hate each other. After nearly a year of crossing the street to avoid each other, we were reunited because of the AIDS related illness and death of his friend Dennis. Danny is the best because he never tells you what to do or what to think. He only shares his opinion as his opinion. He told me that no matter what I tell Paul S, I should be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear. That scared the crap out of me but it was good advice. I thought twice before I blurted out at dinner the other night, "Paul, I love you. I know you are ill right now but I have never met a man that like you. I want to be with you always. Say yes to me."
I didn't say a word to Paul about my feelings. I did once and I felt like our relationship took a step backwards. Think about that statement for a minute. Here I am figuratively bleeding to death on the inside but I didn't want to say anything. That is no relationship.
So, I took my case to a higher power, my best friend Dan G. I rarely talk to Dan about men. He is usually so sour on the subject that a conversation with him is pointless. He will often disregard and even disapprove of my desires toward men. Sometimes I think he expects me to live the life of a monk. I had no one else to go to on this matter, I had to speak to Dan. Dan heard me and actually helped me. He just pointed out that my desire for that moment two weeks ago was so strong that when it was actualized, I was freaked out. He said it probably didn't have anything to do with Paul S. All I want in my life is to connect with someone that I love. I want to wake up with that person in my arms. I want to caress them in the middle of the night. Paul S allowed me to have that.
There is still something missing. Something I had never thought was all that important. The person that I want to connect with, to wake up to, to caress, to love; shouldn't that person love me too?
As excited as I was with our exchange, Paul S couldn't have been more blase about the situation. I don't know what I was expecting from him but in my usual Pip fashion, I had to discuss this situation with him but I was afraid. I had every reason to be. I attempted to tell Paul how I felt about the situation and how being with him freaked me out a bit because I didn't want to have such a casual relationship with him. I didn't want to lie down beside him without the benefit of a full relationship. I'm an actor but I can't have a "pretend" relationship with him. I don't want to have something so cool and casual, not with Paul S. Paul S did what he has been doing since I've known him. He pushed me away.
For days, I stressed. I wished I hadn't ever said anything. I thought this going to ruin our relationship (take a look at the entries from 3/22 and 3/23). I don't normally share my intimate feelings with anyone but I had to talk to someone. First I spoke to my good friend Danny. Danny is a good guy. He and I dated briefly before we decided that we hate each other. After nearly a year of crossing the street to avoid each other, we were reunited because of the AIDS related illness and death of his friend Dennis. Danny is the best because he never tells you what to do or what to think. He only shares his opinion as his opinion. He told me that no matter what I tell Paul S, I should be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear. That scared the crap out of me but it was good advice. I thought twice before I blurted out at dinner the other night, "Paul, I love you. I know you are ill right now but I have never met a man that like you. I want to be with you always. Say yes to me."
I didn't say a word to Paul about my feelings. I did once and I felt like our relationship took a step backwards. Think about that statement for a minute. Here I am figuratively bleeding to death on the inside but I didn't want to say anything. That is no relationship.
So, I took my case to a higher power, my best friend Dan G. I rarely talk to Dan about men. He is usually so sour on the subject that a conversation with him is pointless. He will often disregard and even disapprove of my desires toward men. Sometimes I think he expects me to live the life of a monk. I had no one else to go to on this matter, I had to speak to Dan. Dan heard me and actually helped me. He just pointed out that my desire for that moment two weeks ago was so strong that when it was actualized, I was freaked out. He said it probably didn't have anything to do with Paul S. All I want in my life is to connect with someone that I love. I want to wake up with that person in my arms. I want to caress them in the middle of the night. Paul S allowed me to have that.
There is still something missing. Something I had never thought was all that important. The person that I want to connect with, to wake up to, to caress, to love; shouldn't that person love me too?
BUSY. The temp assignment at the big ad agency continues. I have been asked to stay until the end of the week. I guess the receptionist must be pretty sick. I would like to say I feel sorry for her but the truth is that I don't. If she wasn't out ill, I wouldn't have a job this week. Speaking of which, this week is a busy one:
I am working at the big ad agency until Friday
Friday night I will perform two shows at The Second City
Saturday AM I will teach my class at The SC training center
Saturday PM I will perform two shows at The Second City
Sunday PM I will perform one show at The Second City
Wooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!! Busy is good. Busy is good. Busy is good. Keep chanting.
Umbrella Blues. Spring has finally arrived in Chicago. It is no secret that I suffer from self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder. I hate overcast, grey, and dreary days. Today is one of those days. After suffering through the oppressive winter, I look forward to days of sunshine. Yesterday was stunning but today is blah.
I know it is not just me that hates this weather. I have already started to notice that the folks who work downtown can be a grumpy lot. I don't blame them. It sucks to get up early and pack into public transit. Now throw in a rainy day. You know the kind, the kind where you don't ever want to get out of the bed. Yeah, that's today alright.
I am working at the big ad agency until Friday
Friday night I will perform two shows at The Second City
Saturday AM I will teach my class at The SC training center
Saturday PM I will perform two shows at The Second City
Sunday PM I will perform one show at The Second City
Wooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!! Busy is good. Busy is good. Busy is good. Keep chanting.
Umbrella Blues. Spring has finally arrived in Chicago. It is no secret that I suffer from self-diagnosed seasonal affective disorder. I hate overcast, grey, and dreary days. Today is one of those days. After suffering through the oppressive winter, I look forward to days of sunshine. Yesterday was stunning but today is blah.
I know it is not just me that hates this weather. I have already started to notice that the folks who work downtown can be a grumpy lot. I don't blame them. It sucks to get up early and pack into public transit. Now throw in a rainy day. You know the kind, the kind where you don't ever want to get out of the bed. Yeah, that's today alright.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Last night, I spoke to a dear old friend by the name of Mark. Mark is my former roomate. He moved to Chicago a few months before I did. When I first arrived in Chicago, I was in a show before I had a place to live and Mark was kind enough to let me sleep on his couch in his un-airconditioned living room that faced one of Chicago's busiest and noisest locations, Clark Street - a block from Wrigley Field. Mark and I would later become real roomates when I moved into the house he was renting in Chicago's Roscoe Village neighborhood.
Mark and I went to Northern Illinois University together. We even shared some acting and movement classes, although I was a grad student and he was an undergrad. Mark eventually stopped acting all together. It was about the same time that my career started to rev up. While I was in London doing Showboat, he moved back to Rockford, IL to live with his mother. Now Mark is back at NIU trying to get his masters in history.
Mark, like all of my close friends, is broken. He believes he has IBS but is uncertain. He just went to the doctor last week, although he has been ill since last fall. You see, he just got insurance and couldn't afford to go before now. this pattern is too too familiar.
I miss Mark. Mark is one of the two best roomates that I ever had. The other would be my friend Heidi. Mark and I never fought. It wasn't in his nature. We could discuss anything but we just didn't argue about things. And Mark was one of the most honest people I have ever known. Mark could take criticism and not make it personal. He had an uncanny ability to hear people's subtext and intention. If he you called him on his shit, he would listen closely and respond calmly or humorously. If he thought you were full of shit, he would still listen closely and respond humorously. Everyone loved Mark. We shared everything (except men).
Mark and I went to Northern Illinois University together. We even shared some acting and movement classes, although I was a grad student and he was an undergrad. Mark eventually stopped acting all together. It was about the same time that my career started to rev up. While I was in London doing Showboat, he moved back to Rockford, IL to live with his mother. Now Mark is back at NIU trying to get his masters in history.
Mark, like all of my close friends, is broken. He believes he has IBS but is uncertain. He just went to the doctor last week, although he has been ill since last fall. You see, he just got insurance and couldn't afford to go before now. this pattern is too too familiar.
I miss Mark. Mark is one of the two best roomates that I ever had. The other would be my friend Heidi. Mark and I never fought. It wasn't in his nature. We could discuss anything but we just didn't argue about things. And Mark was one of the most honest people I have ever known. Mark could take criticism and not make it personal. He had an uncanny ability to hear people's subtext and intention. If he you called him on his shit, he would listen closely and respond calmly or humorously. If he thought you were full of shit, he would still listen closely and respond humorously. Everyone loved Mark. We shared everything (except men).
Last night, I had dinner with Paul S with every intention of letting him know one of two things:
1. I love him and I don't care if he is sick. I want to be with him for as long as we can stand each other.
OR
2. I love you and I know that you don't love me but because I love you, I won't leave you in your time of need but as soon as you are well enough, I will be leaving so that we both can be free.
INSTEAD
I did nothing.
We started at Intelligentsia. Paul S was editing one of his projects and nursing a tea when I arrived. I was a little cranky. I had skipped breakfast and lunch opting to spend my lunch break shmoozing at my agents' office. I was grumpy but I couldn't wait to see Paul after my day of temping at the great big ad agency . We spoke about his project, his brother (and the girlfriend), his health, my new story idea, my temp job, and my impending homelessness (this is a whole other journal entry). We left the coffee shop in search of cheap food. We finally landed at Yen's on Clark.
Paul S ordered the red curry chicken and I ordered the Schezuan Pork. We had pleasent and mostly playful dinner conversation and then I walked Paul S home. I wanted to blurt one of my two resolutions to him but I couldn't do it. I can't bring any more grief and aggravation to his world. The man is ill for goodness sake. I don't think he needs me crying about what I need. I don't think he has room and he doesn't need the stress. So, I blew it. I let my chance go. I went home and had a little cry. I don't know if I should feel like a coward, a hero, a true blue friend, I just don't know.
1. I love him and I don't care if he is sick. I want to be with him for as long as we can stand each other.
OR
2. I love you and I know that you don't love me but because I love you, I won't leave you in your time of need but as soon as you are well enough, I will be leaving so that we both can be free.
INSTEAD
I did nothing.
We started at Intelligentsia. Paul S was editing one of his projects and nursing a tea when I arrived. I was a little cranky. I had skipped breakfast and lunch opting to spend my lunch break shmoozing at my agents' office. I was grumpy but I couldn't wait to see Paul after my day of temping at the great big ad agency . We spoke about his project, his brother (and the girlfriend), his health, my new story idea, my temp job, and my impending homelessness (this is a whole other journal entry). We left the coffee shop in search of cheap food. We finally landed at Yen's on Clark.
Paul S ordered the red curry chicken and I ordered the Schezuan Pork. We had pleasent and mostly playful dinner conversation and then I walked Paul S home. I wanted to blurt one of my two resolutions to him but I couldn't do it. I can't bring any more grief and aggravation to his world. The man is ill for goodness sake. I don't think he needs me crying about what I need. I don't think he has room and he doesn't need the stress. So, I blew it. I let my chance go. I went home and had a little cry. I don't know if I should feel like a coward, a hero, a true blue friend, I just don't know.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Today I am temping at a prestigious ad agency. I got a call at 9:15 am, needless to say I was still in the bed. I told my temp agent that I could be there by 10 am and sure enough, here I sit in the Wrigley Building on Michigan Avenue. I have access to all the gum I could possibly chew (I'm not kidding). This office wins for the place that I have worked with the thinnest employees. No one here is overweight. Is this advertising? Skinny people and gum?
My heart is beating normally again. I have spent the last 14 days driving myself crazy. It was 3 weeks ago that I had my last performance as a member of TourCo. The first week was a piece of cake. I took off that following Tuesday to recuperate from the celebrations the night before. The rest of the week I spent temping and auditioning. Good times. The next week I was so busy that it hurt. I auditioned, did temp work, went on a date, picked up new headshots, helped a sick friend, went into the mainstage at Second City, drank, and smoked till I couldn't do no more.
All these things make for a life of theatrical excess but no drama will surpass what happened on the Tuesday (3/9/04)of that week. That morning began with me working on a ridiculous temp assignment. I don't want to get into it but suffice to say it was mind-numbing boring. I had a meeting that afternoon at Second City to discuss the class I would be teaching through the training center. Prior to that meeting, it was confirmed to me that I would definitely be filling in on the mainstage show that night. I took the rest of the afternoon off to prepare.
The show was less than spectacular. I made many mistakes and let my nerves get the best of me but I made it through. When the show was over, I got a call from my friend Paul S. Paul S. has been sick for over a year now. He has major sinusitis and will require surgery to find some kind of relief. Paul S. has really suffered a lot over the last year. His life is gone. His friends are gone. His job is gone. His sanity is quickly leaving.
Now for some quick backstory. Paul S and I used to work together at a furniture store. I started a few months before Paul S as a part timer. I worked there when things were slow at Second City. Paul S. has to be the most fascinating person I have ever met. In some ways, we have completely parallel lives. In some ways, we are like aliens from different planets.
We are the same age. Paul S is 28 days older than I. We both come from large underprivileged family where we stuck out as being different (smart and creative). We both left home to pursue not only college but advanced degrees in our fields. We both were recognized in college for having great aptitude in our fields (me- theatre, Paul S - music). We both were climbing and climbing and every rung got higher and higher until we both took a bad tumble just prior to turning 30. For Paul S., he couldn't continue to pursue his doctorate. For me, I couldn't continue doing Broadway level musical theatre. We both retreated to our families and did our best to stave off full blown dementia. We got ourselves together, we each ended up in Chicago. He with his brother and I just moved back here after a year's hiatus. Eventually we both ended up at the furniture store.
Now, two cars can travel side by side on the same road, and even be manufactured with similar parts, but that does not make them the same car. Paul S is white and I am black. Paul S loves classical music and I love R & B/Soul female artists. I love pop culture. Paul S doesn't even know who Ashton Kutcher is. He is a neat freak and I am a clutterer. I have been a gay slut. Paul S could probably give a complete and accurate list of everyone he has ever slept with.
Why am I writing this? Because I fell in love with Paul S a couple of years ago and it is driving me crazy. And on that fateful Tuesday night, after I did what was a mediocre job filling in on the mainstage, Paul S asked me to spend the night with him. There was no intercourse of any kind. There wasn't even kissing involved but by far this was the most intimate night I have ever spent with another human being. The touch of skin. The labored breath. The body's sweat. Well, I freaked out the next few days. I was so confused.
As I said, I have been in love with Paul S for some time now but he has always rejected my romantic advances and then he became Ill and I chose to pursue a friendship with him anyway. His friendship and company have become invaluable and because he rebuffed me I was free to sleep with any guy I wanted. This should be great. I get the company of the man I love and the body of a man I desire. It didn't work out so smoothly. I have tried and tried to move past my romantic feelings for Paul but the longer I know him the stronger they become.
The good news is that I did finally get the balls to tell Paul S that that night freaked me out. The bad news is that my confession confused Paul. We have slowly become more intimate and I don't think he saw that Tuesday night as any big deal but it obviously caused something weird to happen to me, so he pulled away a bit.
I want to fix this situation and I will. I am going to have dinner with Paul tonight and I'm going to tell him how I really feel. The whole story and what I want from him, even if he can't give it to me. I owe myself that. I owe our friendship that. Why can't life be easy as tying your shoe?
All these things make for a life of theatrical excess but no drama will surpass what happened on the Tuesday (3/9/04)of that week. That morning began with me working on a ridiculous temp assignment. I don't want to get into it but suffice to say it was mind-numbing boring. I had a meeting that afternoon at Second City to discuss the class I would be teaching through the training center. Prior to that meeting, it was confirmed to me that I would definitely be filling in on the mainstage show that night. I took the rest of the afternoon off to prepare.
The show was less than spectacular. I made many mistakes and let my nerves get the best of me but I made it through. When the show was over, I got a call from my friend Paul S. Paul S. has been sick for over a year now. He has major sinusitis and will require surgery to find some kind of relief. Paul S. has really suffered a lot over the last year. His life is gone. His friends are gone. His job is gone. His sanity is quickly leaving.
Now for some quick backstory. Paul S and I used to work together at a furniture store. I started a few months before Paul S as a part timer. I worked there when things were slow at Second City. Paul S. has to be the most fascinating person I have ever met. In some ways, we have completely parallel lives. In some ways, we are like aliens from different planets.
We are the same age. Paul S is 28 days older than I. We both come from large underprivileged family where we stuck out as being different (smart and creative). We both left home to pursue not only college but advanced degrees in our fields. We both were recognized in college for having great aptitude in our fields (me- theatre, Paul S - music). We both were climbing and climbing and every rung got higher and higher until we both took a bad tumble just prior to turning 30. For Paul S., he couldn't continue to pursue his doctorate. For me, I couldn't continue doing Broadway level musical theatre. We both retreated to our families and did our best to stave off full blown dementia. We got ourselves together, we each ended up in Chicago. He with his brother and I just moved back here after a year's hiatus. Eventually we both ended up at the furniture store.
Now, two cars can travel side by side on the same road, and even be manufactured with similar parts, but that does not make them the same car. Paul S is white and I am black. Paul S loves classical music and I love R & B/Soul female artists. I love pop culture. Paul S doesn't even know who Ashton Kutcher is. He is a neat freak and I am a clutterer. I have been a gay slut. Paul S could probably give a complete and accurate list of everyone he has ever slept with.
Why am I writing this? Because I fell in love with Paul S a couple of years ago and it is driving me crazy. And on that fateful Tuesday night, after I did what was a mediocre job filling in on the mainstage, Paul S asked me to spend the night with him. There was no intercourse of any kind. There wasn't even kissing involved but by far this was the most intimate night I have ever spent with another human being. The touch of skin. The labored breath. The body's sweat. Well, I freaked out the next few days. I was so confused.
As I said, I have been in love with Paul S for some time now but he has always rejected my romantic advances and then he became Ill and I chose to pursue a friendship with him anyway. His friendship and company have become invaluable and because he rebuffed me I was free to sleep with any guy I wanted. This should be great. I get the company of the man I love and the body of a man I desire. It didn't work out so smoothly. I have tried and tried to move past my romantic feelings for Paul but the longer I know him the stronger they become.
The good news is that I did finally get the balls to tell Paul S that that night freaked me out. The bad news is that my confession confused Paul. We have slowly become more intimate and I don't think he saw that Tuesday night as any big deal but it obviously caused something weird to happen to me, so he pulled away a bit.
I want to fix this situation and I will. I am going to have dinner with Paul tonight and I'm going to tell him how I really feel. The whole story and what I want from him, even if he can't give it to me. I owe myself that. I owe our friendship that. Why can't life be easy as tying your shoe?
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Another day, another temp assignment. I am not complaining because this and my Saturday morning class are the only income I can count on this week. This week is looking a little anemic. As I stated before, there is my Second City class that I teach and today's temp assignment. Today's assignment is great. I am a receptionist which beats data analysis anyday. I have a big desk, the center of attention, and the internet. I also worked in this office around Thanksgiving so I know some people and they know me.
It is damn near the end of the day and I am running on fumes. I got up early and had every intention of making breakfast but it just didn't happen. I did vote however. During my lunch break, I cabbed it to my agent's office so I could audition for some corporate guys from Kelloggs. Show business is weird. I had to read this monologue that was written for a guy in his 40s but my agent thought my energy was too good to pass up so here I am at this call with guys that are waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy older than me and we all have to do West Indian accents. Weird.
Last week was so different. I had a date (not good). We saw In America (so good). I had a musical audition (thrilling). I went on the mainstage at Second City as an understudy (scary). I was sober, drunk, and high. I watched a great documentary about Tobias Schneebaum. I can't remember if I got laid or not so I must not have or if I did it was so unremarkable that I have forgotten.
I got new headshots last week. That is really not all that exciting but it was overdue.
It is damn near the end of the day and I am running on fumes. I got up early and had every intention of making breakfast but it just didn't happen. I did vote however. During my lunch break, I cabbed it to my agent's office so I could audition for some corporate guys from Kelloggs. Show business is weird. I had to read this monologue that was written for a guy in his 40s but my agent thought my energy was too good to pass up so here I am at this call with guys that are waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy older than me and we all have to do West Indian accents. Weird.
Last week was so different. I had a date (not good). We saw In America (so good). I had a musical audition (thrilling). I went on the mainstage at Second City as an understudy (scary). I was sober, drunk, and high. I watched a great documentary about Tobias Schneebaum. I can't remember if I got laid or not so I must not have or if I did it was so unremarkable that I have forgotten.
I got new headshots last week. That is really not all that exciting but it was overdue.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Monday, March 08, 2004
Been a while. I'm back. I resigned my position as a regular member of the Second City National Touring Company. It was one of the most dificult thing I have ever had to do but that last night with my company was wonderful. Last weekend was my last tour. We were fortunate enough to be booked in the NYC area. This meant that I got to visit with some friends including my bestest, Dan G. and newer friends from Second City like recently hired Saturday Night Live! writers, John Lutz and Liz Cackoski. I drank too much but I don't regret a moment.
I love NY and I am thinking about pulling stakes and heading that direction. Of course, at this time last year, I thought I would be moving to LA.
My last performance with the touring company came a week ago today. It was very special. Mom came and brought with her my cousin Angie, my aunt Denice and an old friend, Carolyn. My night was also attended by two former students and now friends, Angelique and Tim. Dawn G came and brought along the most adorable Luis. Paul G, Jason C, and Christine also came.
Wonderful words were spoken by Bumper Carroll, Dionna Griffin, Marc Warzecha, Craig Uhlir, Claudia Wallace, and Jeremy Smith. Thanks for everything guys but especially thanks to Marc for making a naughty story about me in Vancouver pretty PG for my Mom.
My replacement in my company is top notch and I probably should be jealous but the fact is that I have a huge crush on him. I think that he is "super cute" and "super talented." A combination that I find hard to resist. I actually asked him out a few weeks ago but he said, "no." Oh well, maybe next time.
I love NY and I am thinking about pulling stakes and heading that direction. Of course, at this time last year, I thought I would be moving to LA.
My last performance with the touring company came a week ago today. It was very special. Mom came and brought with her my cousin Angie, my aunt Denice and an old friend, Carolyn. My night was also attended by two former students and now friends, Angelique and Tim. Dawn G came and brought along the most adorable Luis. Paul G, Jason C, and Christine also came.
Wonderful words were spoken by Bumper Carroll, Dionna Griffin, Marc Warzecha, Craig Uhlir, Claudia Wallace, and Jeremy Smith. Thanks for everything guys but especially thanks to Marc for making a naughty story about me in Vancouver pretty PG for my Mom.
My replacement in my company is top notch and I probably should be jealous but the fact is that I have a huge crush on him. I think that he is "super cute" and "super talented." A combination that I find hard to resist. I actually asked him out a few weeks ago but he said, "no." Oh well, maybe next time.
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